On being lost and fighting artist's block

Yet another attempt to keep up with having this blog. Well, writing, as well as drawing or any other art is a tricky thing. You need to be in the right mood. You need to struggle a bit. You need to start. That is the hardest thing – the beginning. I didn’t draw for years after I’ve finished art school, I was busy being a lazy and gloomy teenager, getting the degree at philology and English literature, getting married, moving a thousand miles away from my hometown, working the most boring job I can think of, moving again, being a teacher, then falling apart because I didn’t know what to do with my life. I’ve actually been falling apart for nearly three years. All this time once I had a spare moment I took my pencils and dived into my world. I could imagine the most beautiful things in my head but on paper I saw just mere shadows of these images. “I was tormented by the contrast between my idea and my handiwork: in each case I had imagined something which I was quite powerless to realise.” I was reading about other artists, mostly writers, about their life paths, about their struggles and it calmed me a bit, gave me the feeling I was not the only one who got lost. I don’t know what happened and why, but one day in September I took my pen, sat down to my table, autumn has just begun, the day was warm and I could see the trees and the birds out of my window, and I draw a hand with a candle. It was not perfect in any way but nearly for the first time I felt that it was so close to what I saw in my head.  Somehow it was the first step to my own style, and to giving myself to art forever.

The more I draw now, the more images emerge in my mind, but still it is not an easy task to put them on paper. Sometimes, like today, I am ready to give up because nothing comes out like it should, because I start to think I am bad at everything and I want to crawl back into tiny world of pretending to be someone else, someone who doesn’t want to try anymore, someone who is ready to believe that being an artist is just a hobby, and someone who is lost. I believe this thing is called artist’s block and everyone who creates things experiences this nasty feeling from time to time, so we are all in the same boat. The most vivid image of this I can think of is from the film Secret Window based on Stephen King’s Secret Window, Secret Garden – when Johnny Depp’s character is lying on his couch in old dirty robe, that scene makes me laugh every time I watch it, because the feeling is so familiar. And I embrace it, used to be mad at myself and cry and tear my works to pieces, but now, though it still is disappointing I just let it pass, for nothing can last forever. So, I want to say that creating things is a tough road, but it only takes practice, and practice and more practice. All the time I look at my works I think I am still powerless to embody my ideas, and it is true, I am, and I should try to do better, but it doesn’t happen overnight. All good things take time. And now I am going to pour myself a cup of coffee, lie on my sofa and just let it go and watch something that would cheer me up. And hope that tomorrow I’ll meet my muse again with open arms. 

Disclaimer:

The source of the image is David Koepp Secret Window (2004)

The cursive is quote from Jane Eyre

Echoes

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. In their gray visions they obtain glimpses of eternity, and thrill, in waking, to find that they have been upon the verge of the great secret.

 Edgar Allan Poe 

For years I had this feeling in my brain, in my heart and in my lungs that I could not describe. Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids, shaking through my skull, through my spine and down to my ribs.  It started mostly with a word found on the page of the book I was reading, or from the image I stumbled upon – it evoked something familiar but forgotten, some odd longing to be somewhere I was supposed to be, but I never knew where this place was. How is it possible to feel nostalgic for a world I never knew?  But I felt.  And I still do.  As years went by I learned it better and it became my constant companion, my inspiration, my thread to a different world, different time and people long gone. I hardly believe in reincarnation, but why then I imagine this? I can see myself sitting by the desk full of papers, books and writings, when I’m tired of studying or reading I suddenly notice that it is far beyond midnight, I lit a candle and lift up the stairs trembling because of my shadow chasing me. I wake up early on a foggy morning, go outside barefoot, the smell of the ground and night dew lingers in the air, I breathe in and out and then I know I belong here. I belong to the pale morning moon, to the every drop of the fog, and the shadow hiding between the pines of the old forest doesn’t scare me anymore. I feel cold – it is the wind that blows from the salty sea on the east, but I can stand like this forever, feeling the wet grass under my feet, breathing in the odour of awakening garden filled with lilies, roses and azaleas…

I close my eyes and so vividly imagine this – the place I am longing to find but it is so vague, and every time I try to catch it I stumble and lose it, like I am sleepwalking. But was it my home once? Are these echoes past memories? And may be my whole life is just a journey towards that home I once lost…

Disclaimer:

The source of the image is pinterest.com - I wish I knew where it is from (cause it seems to me it's from a movie) for it describes my feelings a lot. Also all the words in cursive are quotations.

Song to listen to - Blinding by Florence and the Machine

Winter light

There is a question asked quite often – What is your favourite part of the day? And I bet you think I’d answer night or evening, but strangely even to myself my answer would be morning...Today I woke up late, so the dark hours of the winter dawn have already passed and I saw the luminous cloudless sky. In such a morning filled with winter light that touches gently the soft snow sparkling in the shades of pearl and blue, in such a morning, my dear friend, you open up a window to let the frozen air in your lungs, you feel it going down your very bosom, the blinding white carpet makes you close the eyes and listen to the silence. Feel and breathe the stillness. In such a morning you go out and the fresh snow squeaks under your steps, as you walk and watch the nature around you – the trees, the frozen little creek, the restless birds that keep on hopping from one branch to the other – you feel the morning light and winter air penetrate your soul, you become a part of this serenity, you’re in every tree, every sunbeam, every snowflake. In every breath you feel the pure essence of life.

  

P.S.

Now, my friends, if you please - go pour yourself a cup of finest coffee, and give yourself a pleasure of reading your favourite book or watching a nice movie. Today my choice is Agatha Cristhie’s Miss Marple (tv series 2004 – 2013). I watch Greenshaw’s Folly – love it so much! 

And thus it starts

Hello my dear ghouls elves bats cats vampires and forest creatures! Firstly, I’d like to state a reason behind starting this blog. For years, literally for years, I’ve been having the urge to put my thoughts into sentences, to share what’s inside me, to pour it all out. From time to time I scribbled my thoughts here and there, but I never did this on regular basis and always regretted that. So I start this in hope that combination of both visual and written forms will help me to create the world I strive to. I was always fond of thoughts in a form of a diary, I believe writing things down helps to dip digger in one’s true self. And I feel there are things inside me I need to share, I just cannot keep them inside, I know many of you will understand this feeling. And I also hope you will find something familiar in me and my world, and if something that I will draw or write will help you or inspire you this will be the biggest gift and the biggest blessing for me.

Welcome to my world and please feel like home! Sending you all hugs and beams of moonlight 🖤